Trusting again….

IMG_0645

I have a hard time believing that my luck has finally changed.  It is truly harder than anything else I have done.  For the last 3 or 4 years I have built a wall around myself and especially my heart to protect it.  Honestly….I have opened my heart to new friendships,  new challenges and of course loving myself…..but to trust another person with my heart is an entirely new challenge for me.

I wasn’t ready for a long time.

I had to face the challenge of finding myself again first.

There were obstacles, there were moments of frustration, moments of fear and moments when all I wanted to do was escape and hide.

There were moments where my healing process made absolutely no sense to anyone in my life…..I had no plan or method of execution.  I  just knew I had to shed my old skin and grow into a new one.  I did it.  I wrote down my wishes, I dreamed big and I opened back up to new possibilities.

And a year ago, I embraced my new self and decided it was time to open my heart back up to someone new. Let me tell you, there was no one worth opening it up to…..it was a long battle and a frustrating search. But now that there is that possibility right in front of me, I am so scared that the ball will drop and I will be hurt again.

Happiness has completely absorbed me.  I have been happy with my self but to have someone make me happy again…wow. But I am so anxious that it will disappear.  I am so scared to really let myself completely trust that this is ok to wrap myself up in.  Fear is not something I have had to deal with in a while and I find it overwhelming.

So today I challenge myself to let go and just let this new feeling of happiness be.

Trust that things work out…….that I finally deserve happy moments with a new person.

IMG_1625

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Dreams do come true

I have been painting almost everyday again! Inspiration seems to strike when I least expect it!
A friend asked for a painting and gave me a few ideas of what he liked. I have to say, they were a bit out of my comfort zone. After a lot of sketches and brainstorming, I decided to let go of planning and let intuition take over. I think I was able to successfully fuse his likes and my painting style together.

20120516-092318.jpg

20120516-092150.jpg

And the painting above has been a work in progress for a while now. I hated how it was coming together at first. It has transformed completely into another painting all together. Again, I have been approaching this with intuition and I am much happier with it. I finally feel like my dream of finding my own style is coming to fruition! So happy!
On another note, I think I have finally reached the end of my healing process after realizing one day that I was unhappy with my life. Of course everyday is a lesson for me but I think my outlook and approach is better now. I won’t be walked all over, I won’t put my dreams aside any more and I’m truly listening to my inner voice and trying to let that guide me. Did I mention, I can’t stop smiling lately?? So happy to finally feel that way again!

Exciting new adventures…..

Wow, I know it has been a few months!  I have been so busy lately with lots of new things happening in my life!  I promise it has been worth the wait!  I have finally reached a place in my life where I am happy with my outlook, I have an idea of what the heck I want to do with my life, and I feel like I am solidly standing on both feet.

I had a great winter skiing with my River Runner group until first day of February vacation.  I unfortunately completely tore my ACL.  That put a big damper on my ski season and I haven’t been on snow since.  Surgery in April will take me off my feet for a while but I look at it as an opportunity to finally get some rest!

I decided to join my very good friend, Megan, as a business partner working with Rodan + Fields dermatologist created skin care products!  I absolutely love the product!  My skin feels and looks spectacular and I know anyone else that tries it will feel the same.  I am hoping to recruit a few people to work with me so if you are interested or know of anyone…….drop me a line.  This is a great opportunity for anyone who is looking for a way to supplement income or to find ways to create an opportunity where you can schedule your work around your life!  I am telling you….I was skeptical at first, but after researching and listening to business presentations and of course loving the product….I am a believer!  SERIOUSLY!

I also have been busy painting and really allowing my creativity to shift in new directions.  I am loving my newest painting, I was hoping to really work with layering but still include my love for patterns and bright colors.  This painting went a little darker then usual but it is a start!

It started out like this……….

And now looks like this……

Giving Thanks

I am a little late posting about my Thanksgiving but better late then never!  I invited a few friends over for a Turkey Tuesday dinner.  We all dressed up in our finest clothes and brought a dish to share.  I cooked my first turkey and it was delicious!  I also provided home made cranberry sauce and roasted carrots.

Unfortunately, we lost power in part of the kitchen and had to be creative with how to warm up Katie’s potatoes.  After that little hiccup we all sat down and gave thanks to each other and feasted!  It really made me think more about how lucky I am to have these friends in my life.  It was a terrific night!

After our Tuesday feast, I headed West to California to spend Thanksgiving with my god mother.  My Uncle Thomas hosted turkey dinner at his house in El Granada.  We got off the plane and headed there to visit with my lovely cousins and Aunt and Uncle.  The food was great and the company was even better!

It was a nice trip with my mom, sister and Juls.  We went to Sonoma for a day of wine tasting and then a day to the city for some shopping in China Town.  We ended our trip with another feast at Juls with the California Ingraham family.

Dreaming Big Wish list

I think I can scratch a few things off my wish list that I created a few months back.  This is empowering to do and I wanted to share it with you.

I decided to take the Mondo Beyondo ecourse.  It was a very useful tool for me to stretch my wings and focus on what I needed.  Not anyone else.  It was tough to think beyond what was right in front of me.  Even more difficult to put reason aside and just dream.  Dream Big.  Very motivating and still something I think about all the time now……

So I scratched out the things that I have successfully done or started to implement into my life.  I honestly smile so much these days.  I laugh a lot; at myself, with my friends, students, family.  I am truly happy with me as a person in this world.  I have a lot more I want to try and do, but couldn’t be more proud of my accomplishments so far.   I want to get up again each morning and see what the day will bring.   And ultimately…..i really do BELIEVE in myself.

illustrate childrens’ book ~travel to Paris and sit with Mona Lisa and dream more~move~ move somewhere warmer and sunnier~adopt~live in Italy for a month or 2 or 3 or more~learn how to speak a foreign language~go skydiving~help others dream big~sell my own art work~find my style of art making~love fiercely~be loved fiercely~have children~own a home on a lake~become an illustrator~see my artwork in a magazine~visit Hawaii or live there~visit Australia, Greece, South America, Jamaica, Africa~be sexier~be funnier~win millions and give most of it away but live comfortably~love again~heal my broken heart~be a lover~become happier~live each day with excitement~laugh more~ laugh everyday~ smile more~ find that energy that wakes me up each day~fix the education system~learn how to scuba dive~learn how to surf~meet Drew Barrymore and become great friends~accept others shortcoming~accept my own flaws~make friends easier~learn how to ballroom dance~become an event planner~truly believe in myself again~

Reasons to be Thankful

Bring on the Sunshine

As Thanksgiving draws close, I have been making a point to think about how lucky and thankful I am this year.  I have had a lot of bumps and detours this year.  I have shed more tears of frustration, sadness, regret and loneliness then I would have liked.  Even with the hard times, there have been a lot of wonderful things happen too.

I am so lucky.   I really am, and it is what keeps me going.  I have such wonderful family members that have done nothing but stand close by and love and support me through a difficult time.  My friends……I don’t know what I would have done with out them.  They have cried with me, made me laugh, reminded me when I was being foolish, and ultimately given me the best advice.  It is an honor to call them my friends.

And my luck doesn’t stop there.  I am so lucky to be healthy.  I have watched so many important people in my life and/or in others lives fall ill.  It breaks my heart when someone loses a friend or family member too early.  I just hope to stay healthy and live a long happy life.

All of this luck I have in my life has helped me in so many ways.  I finally feel optimistic again.  I looked at myself in the mirror and was able to just smile!  How great is that!  I am slowly starting to feel like it wasn’t all my fault anymore.  I don’t feel like a waste of space.

So thank you, to all of you that have helped get me here.  I can’t express enough, how thankful I truly feel.

New painting

Over the summer I was able to squeeze in a few paintings.  I really  need to increase the amount I do if I ever want to sell my work!  Actually, my apartment has become my own personal gallery.  I had my mama’s boyfriend photograph some of my work.   He is much more qualified then myself at that!  Now I just need to spend some money to get some prints made.  My fear is that no one will want any of my work!  Gah, that is my small fear!

Here is hoping I find more time to paint and I ignore my fear!  For now, enjoy my cute little painting!

Birthday wishes

I am still celebrating my big birthday as I plunge into my 30s’.  Last year was tough to turn 30, this time around it is even harder as I am now in my 30s.  GAH!  Here is wishing for a great year!

For my birthday this year, some of my closest friends and I went to Portland for the night.  It is actually not just my birthday but also my friend Riley’s.  How great is it to have two good friends sharing a special day together!?  The entire day was great!  From morning to end, I had a great birthday!

So we headed down to the “city” for sushi and drinks and then a night of dancing.  What a great time.  We even ordered up a limo to take all nine of us into town.  At dinner, I brought tears to the eyes of most as I toasted to all of them.  Thanking them for helping me through what has proven to be a difficult past year.  With out them, I am not sure I would have survived the tears and frustrations of carving a new path for myself.

I ended the weekend celebrating Mother’s Day with my sister and Mom.  We had a delicious lunch of tacos and yummy birthday cake compliments of my little sis in her new home!  She has become a lovely woman.  I am so proud of her.  She and her fiance have been working so hard to put their home together and I have small pangs of jealousy.  Small…..because I am in no place or desire to take on that responsibility!   Funny, I’m the older sister and seem to be taking longer to grow up!  HA!  Who would have thunk it right sis!

To end my post, I am sharing my most recent painting.  I adore it.  Seems to be the right infusion of whim and colorful appeal for anyone.

Dreaming Big

My mind has been a constant congestion of thoughts, ideas, and dreams.  It has been really hard to dissect the overflow.  I don’t usually go into my personal life on here but I need to purge; I think it is the only way to release the tension and sort through all of it.

I have spent the last couple of months exploring the idea of illustration and painting as a career instead of a hobby.  Funny really; I started out in art school straight out of high school with the mind set to become an artist.  A year and a half later, I decided to transfer and become an art teacher because I didn’t want to be a “starving artist”.  Amazing how we can come full circle.

In order to gain focus and clarity, I decided to take an online e-course on dreaming big.  Mondo Beyondo has been helping me to do this.  Although the class has wrapped up, I fell behind because of Art Shows at school and other obligations that required my attention, I intend to keep plugging away at the course work.  I am determined to gain perspective and truly find where the heck I am suppose to go next.

It is very unnerving to be 30 years old and feel lost.  I know, some of you will tell me that I am too young to worry or feel lost.  Some of you might think I have so much right now that proves I have a life that would make others envious.  That is all true.  But what if you wake up every day and only get up because you have to, not because you cannot wait to start the day.  I feel that there is more for me to do.  I believe it is possible to wake up each day and feel so much energy pulsing in my mind and body.

I thirst for more satisfaction in my life and wonder if I am truly listening to what makes me happy.  One of the things Mondo Beyondo asked me to do is make a list of dreams.  Not to worry about logistics, how foolish it sounds, or how I can make it happen.  Just write down anything that comes to mind.  The next challenge was to not look at it for a week.

Today, I logged into the class and read my next assignment.  I was challenged to share my list with someone or on my blog.  So here it goes, my dreaming big, I mean really big dream list.

illustrate childrens’ book ~travel to Paris and sit with Mona Lisa and dream more~move~ move somewhere warmer and sunnier~adopt~live in Italy for a month or 2 or 3 or more~learn how to speak a foreign language~go skydiving~help others dream big~sell my own art work~find my style of art making~love fiercely~be loved fiercely~have children~own a home on a lake~become an illustrator~see my artwork in a magazine~visit Hawaii or live there~visit Australia, Greece, South America, Jamaica, Africa~be sexier~be funnier~win millions and give most of it away but live comfortably~love again~heal my broken heart~be a lover~become happier~live each day with excitement~laugh more~ laugh everyday~ smile more~ find that energy that wakes me up each day~fix the education system~learn how to scuba dive~learn how to surf~meet Drew Barrymore and become great friends~accept others shortcoming~accept my own flaws~make friends easier~learn how to ballroom dance~become an event planner~truly believe in myself again~



There is my list.  It gave me butterflies to share it with you all.  In fact there were a few things that truly made my heart skip an extra beat just to type it and share it.  There were other things that were very easy to share and there others that seemed foolish and so not like me.