Trusting again….


I have a hard time believing that my luck has finally changed.  It is truly harder than anything else I have done.  For the last 3 or 4 years I have built a wall around myself and especially my heart to protect it.  Honestly….I have opened my heart to new friendships,  new challenges and of course loving myself…..but to trust another person with my heart is an entirely new challenge for me.

I wasn’t ready for a long time.

I had to face the challenge of finding myself again first.

There were obstacles, there were moments of frustration, moments of fear and moments when all I wanted to do was escape and hide.

There were moments where my healing process made absolutely no sense to anyone in my life…..I had no plan or method of execution.  I  just knew I had to shed my old skin and grow into a new one.  I did it.  I wrote down my wishes, I dreamed big and I opened back up to new possibilities.

And a year ago, I embraced my new self and decided it was time to open my heart back up to someone new. Let me tell you, there was no one worth opening it up to… was a long battle and a frustrating search. But now that there is that possibility right in front of me, I am so scared that the ball will drop and I will be hurt again.

Happiness has completely absorbed me.  I have been happy with my self but to have someone make me happy again…wow. But I am so anxious that it will disappear.  I am so scared to really let myself completely trust that this is ok to wrap myself up in.  Fear is not something I have had to deal with in a while and I find it overwhelming.

So today I challenge myself to let go and just let this new feeling of happiness be.

Trust that things work out…….that I finally deserve happy moments with a new person.







Dreaming Big

My mind has been a constant congestion of thoughts, ideas, and dreams.  It has been really hard to dissect the overflow.  I don’t usually go into my personal life on here but I need to purge; I think it is the only way to release the tension and sort through all of it.

I have spent the last couple of months exploring the idea of illustration and painting as a career instead of a hobby.  Funny really; I started out in art school straight out of high school with the mind set to become an artist.  A year and a half later, I decided to transfer and become an art teacher because I didn’t want to be a “starving artist”.  Amazing how we can come full circle.

In order to gain focus and clarity, I decided to take an online e-course on dreaming big.  Mondo Beyondo has been helping me to do this.  Although the class has wrapped up, I fell behind because of Art Shows at school and other obligations that required my attention, I intend to keep plugging away at the course work.  I am determined to gain perspective and truly find where the heck I am suppose to go next.

It is very unnerving to be 30 years old and feel lost.  I know, some of you will tell me that I am too young to worry or feel lost.  Some of you might think I have so much right now that proves I have a life that would make others envious.  That is all true.  But what if you wake up every day and only get up because you have to, not because you cannot wait to start the day.  I feel that there is more for me to do.  I believe it is possible to wake up each day and feel so much energy pulsing in my mind and body.

I thirst for more satisfaction in my life and wonder if I am truly listening to what makes me happy.  One of the things Mondo Beyondo asked me to do is make a list of dreams.  Not to worry about logistics, how foolish it sounds, or how I can make it happen.  Just write down anything that comes to mind.  The next challenge was to not look at it for a week.

Today, I logged into the class and read my next assignment.  I was challenged to share my list with someone or on my blog.  So here it goes, my dreaming big, I mean really big dream list.

illustrate childrens’ book ~travel to Paris and sit with Mona Lisa and dream more~move~ move somewhere warmer and sunnier~adopt~live in Italy for a month or 2 or 3 or more~learn how to speak a foreign language~go skydiving~help others dream big~sell my own art work~find my style of art making~love fiercely~be loved fiercely~have children~own a home on a lake~become an illustrator~see my artwork in a magazine~visit Hawaii or live there~visit Australia, Greece, South America, Jamaica, Africa~be sexier~be funnier~win millions and give most of it away but live comfortably~love again~heal my broken heart~be a lover~become happier~live each day with excitement~laugh more~ laugh everyday~ smile more~ find that energy that wakes me up each day~fix the education system~learn how to scuba dive~learn how to surf~meet Drew Barrymore and become great friends~accept others shortcoming~accept my own flaws~make friends easier~learn how to ballroom dance~become an event planner~truly believe in myself again~

There is my list.  It gave me butterflies to share it with you all.  In fact there were a few things that truly made my heart skip an extra beat just to type it and share it.  There were other things that were very easy to share and there others that seemed foolish and so not like me. 

Get Your Paint On Week 1

I joined this online painting class called, Get Your Paint On.  I love it so far!  The course offers up inspiration from both artists’/teachers’ and tons of information about materials and subject matter.  There is even an artist interview thrown in to add another perspective.

This week we used Gee’s Bend Quilters from Alabama as inspiration.  I have always admired quilting for the craft but have never been very attracted to the designs….or so I thought.  I decided to start with my sketchbook and draft out some ideas.  I wasn’t sure how to work with blocks of color.  It seemed to simple for me….

I started just playing with my markers and colors I enjoyed.  After a bit of doodling, I started to play with the colors and how the shapes might layer each other to imply more shapes.  Of course, my sketches started to deviate from the original idea into more of a drawing idea.   Then, I decided to throw planning out the window.  It wasn’t working for me, I couldn’t translate any of my ideas onto paper with markers.

I decided to go back to the source of inspiration and look at more examples.  After exploring numerous images, I found myself loving the quilt designs that had many layers of shapes.  I was captivated by the way the space was manipulated with flat shapes of color.

I finally found the urge to paint some ideas.  I painted for a while and hated the first results.  I painted over my first attempt.  I was ok with it too, I have never had a tough time painting over an idea when it doesn’t work.  I gave up for the night and let my ideas stew in my head for a day.

We had a snow day on Wednesday and after finishing up report cards; I sat down and let my intuition kick in.  I painted some blue blocks.  I didn’t worry about perfect lines, I just let them form together on the panel.  I then painted coral colored shapes on top; allowing the blue shapes to peak through.   And then I added white shapes and scratched into the paint to add a drawing element.

Over all, I am very happy with it.  I might re-visit the painting and add something else to it.  For now, I am happy with the blocks of color and the layering.

Two Posts in one Week!

I know, it’s hard to believe, two posts in one week.  Very rare in my world.  I promised yesterday to post some pictures of my recent drawings.  I remembered my camera cord; so I had to post again!

I used a blue zig marker to draw this while I watched tv the other night.

My new Copic Multiliner SP.  LOVE IT!  With a glimpse of some sketches I did yesterday!

All the pens and things I use.  My colorful bag is filled with my Zig markers and Faber Castell Pitt Pens.   My travel Winsor Newton watercolor case.  The smaller case is a Sherpani eye glasses case that I use to carry my watercolors and drawing pens.

Just call me forgetful

Today, everything went wrong right from the start.  I forgot my scarf, and spend the whole day chilled.  I forgot to wear a belt and spent the entire day pulling my pants up, and overall just felt behind on everything.  Call me spaz today!

So the above picture is from photobooth because I FORGOT my cord that connects to my camera.   Trust me, I don’t like to put pictures of me in my blog posts, well sometimes I can’t help it.  Anyway, I had some pics of my newest drawings that I am waiting to find time to turn into paintings. (I should mention it has taken me all day to write this post too; I write a thought and then I have to do something else)

Over the last few months I have been trying to build my art supplies.  Every month I spend some funds at Dick Blick.  Where I live; there are no stores to buy supplies.  The closest is an hour and a half away and it is pretty pricey.  So I order online and have it shipped to me.

Speaking of materials; I have been playing around with different types of drawing pens and markers.  I have tried Micron, Staedtler, Sharpie, and Copic.  Overall, I have been most happy with Copic.  Micron is a close second, but I am not in love with the black.  It is more of a warm black and I seem to be more attracted to a cooler black.  Now, lets talk specifics on Copic.  I bought a couple of the Copic drawing pens, and the multi liners.  I LOVE the multi liner in .3, .5., and .8.  It is easy to make marks with and the width is perfect for me.   The drawing pens were a little more difficult to draw with.  Maybe it is me, the user, but I found it tedious to force a mark.

As for markers, I love my Zig Memory System writers.  They are dual ended, with a broad tip and a fine line tip.  I like the colors and the marks they make.  I use them to sketch with and also to draw into my paintings.  The marks they make on paint are translucent and add the right touch to my work.

I was inspired to write about this today because, I went almost two weeks with out a sketchbook.  Silly me, finished my last one, and didn’t have another on hand.  I was finally able to get to a craft store and stock up.  I couldn’t wait to sit down and draw.  Hopefully, I will be able to post a couple pics tomorrow!

Falling Snow

So far, I am sticking to my weekly posts!  Yay me!  Well this is a day late, but I blame it on the snow falling yesterday.  I started this yesterday morning after my last class of the day.   The snow was gracefully falling from the sky.  The forecast predicted that Mother Nature had an angrier snowstorm in mind for later in the day with threats of freezing rain.  Well, the snow continued to fall in big white shapes all day and we were dismissed early from school.  So I put my blog post on hold so that I could enjoy an afternoon of play.

Before the snow storm, I enjoyed a much needed three day weekend.  I skied really hard with my River Runners on Saturday and Sunday.  We finally got a decent amount of snow; it was much needed on the mountain.  Saturday morning we skied at Barker and Spruce.  American Express and Right Stuff had some great snow and we carved out some great turns.  In the afternoon we traveled over to Jordan and Oz for a few runs on Eurkea, and Rogue Angel.

Sunday morning we skied at Aurora Peak; with a two runs on Vortex and couple runs on Airglow and Black Hole.  I was very proud of my River Runners.  They will be taller then me pretty soon, but man, they are really good skiers!  They make me laugh and push my buttons at the same time.

With all the skiing I have been getting in; I have also been drawing up a storm. Haha!  Still trying to stay focused with my creative ideas and manage to get in some creating time every day.  It may only be for a few minutes or a couple hours.  Here is my latest watercolor drawing.  Mostly just a study for a future painting. I actually went back and made the girls dress more orange.  There wasn’t much difference between it and her skin.  I just didn’t get a chance to re-take the photo.

Some new artwork

Together, mixed media

Well, as usual, time has lapsed between posts!  December flew by with lots going on.  On top of hosting Christmas parties and finishing up the holiday shopping, I also started River Runners at Sunday River again.  I missed my kiddos so much.  They really aren’t kiddos anymore though, a few of them might be taller then me pretty soon.  Pre-Teenagers…….oh jeez, lots of energy and lots of socializing.  Should be a great season, I just wish we had more snow! Please?!

For holiday gifts, I made my girlfriends each a piece of artwork and some cute ceramic miniature houses.  It was so much fun to settle into the creative process for a few weeks.  I also left all my materials scattered around the apartment.  I don’t have a studio space to work in.  I set up shop on the kitchen island and that means I have to pick up after myself after each session.  Very annoying when you aren’t really done with a project.  So, for the holiday madness, I decided to ignore the mess and the anxiety I feel around it for a couple weeks so that I could get some things done.  It also helped to have a deadline!

The above picture is just one of the 9 pieces I made.  I went with a theme about women and the courage to believe and live our lives fully.  I used various mixed media techniques and lots of various materials.  My favorites were my Zig writer pens, Copic pens, Golden acrylics, and various stamps.